Lost Letters - Final

September 16, 1992

 

Dear friend

I know you wrote to me for sometime without reply, but I think ive managed to track down your address and Id like it if I could write to you now. you see theres not many people I can talk to because people don't like to understand, but I know you do. 

 You know that feeling when you first look at someone and cant stop looking? Not in the same way you stare at a person with only one leg, or a car accident, but more of a ‘why do I feel like I know you?’ kind of way? I don’t know him, but I feel like I either do, or I really want to. Then theres the moment where you speak to that person for the first time, and you feel like an idiot because youve said something stupid and youre scared they wont like you because of it. I felt this for the first time a week ago and I cant stop thinking about him. Ive talked to him twice since and I feel amazing whenever im around him. It sounds a little crazy because I hardly know him, but im feeling things ive never felt before. Im going to call him james, because I don’t want you finding out who he is.   Reading your letters about how you felt with sam, im sure your one of the few people that actually understand these feelings.

I hope its okay that ive tracked you down and that I am writing this letter. I just need someone to talk to who understands.

 

Love always

P

 

October 28, 1992

 

Dear friend

 I havnt written in a while because like you, ive been enjoying the moment. James and I have been hanging out heaps. I found out just after I wrote the last letter that he had a partner, this upset me a wee bit but it was ok because we hadn’t even kissed. A week arfter he told me, he said that his partner was moving away and he wasn't going to be seeing that person anymore. I didn’t really understand this because I don’t know why anyone would want to move away from james. I also found it a little strange that james wasn’t really that upset about it. Maybe hes not one for sharing his feeling, or maybe he was happy about it, im not sure.  I like talking to him and being around him, he shows me a whole new perspective on life that I didn’t even know exsisted. Hes really into words, and making them look pretty. he calls it 'typography'. I found this a little weird at first but he sees things in ways no one else does.

 Not long after his partner left he started acting differently towards me. telling me im cute all the time and asking me to go with him to partys etc. Then one night I was at a friends party and he was there. I had had a little too much to drink and we danced alot. We kissed that night. It was my very first kiss and it felt exactly how it looked in the movies. We went home that night and just cuddled. Since then things have been different, not in a bad way, but a good way. we see each other lots and it makes me happy.

 I really do wish you could reply if you got the chance, just as assurance that you are getting my letters. He makes me feel infinite Charlie.

 

Love Always

P

 

November 15, 1992

 

Dear Friend

Do you remember how you were saying that its good to save up as much of the good times, so you could remember them in the bad times and it wont seem so bad anymore? I don't think Ive saved up enough.

The last time james stayed was the best of them all. I don’t want to go into detail but I tried to force myself to do things I wasn’t ready for. For him. He told me to stop because he could tell what was going on. We ended up just cuddling and he told me how much he liked me and we just whispered to eachother until 3am when we both fell asleep. He had to leave early in the morning for college and when he left he gave me the biggest kiss and said he would see me later. That was two weeks ago.

Ive seen him twice and both times hes had to rush off. Phone calls have been short. hes been acting differently.

Im scared I did something to put him off. Was it too much for me to try to do things with him? has he found the real me and hes changed his mind? I don’t know what to do Charlie. I need a reply to this one. Please.

P

 

December 2, 1992

 

Dear Charlie

 Its all turned to shit. I saw him at a party last night and he was different. He took me to one of those bars were people like us go and although he kissed me and held my hand, he was different. We fell asleep on a friends couch and he wouldn’t cuddle me. I tried to talk to him and he told me to ‘wait untill we were sober’. The next morning I asked him what was going on, and its over Charlie. he told me he still feels the same but 'cant be with anyone right now'. Its fucking crap Charlie. If someone likes someone, why cant they just be together? Why cant I have what I want? Ive been pleasing everyone else my whole life so why cant I just have my moment.

 Its really shit that you havnt replied by the way. I always end up having to deal with this crap by myself. I just need someone right now.


P

 

 

December13, 1992

 

Charlie

 Way to fucking go with replying. I seriously just need some to talk to that understands but your not there. Are you even getting these letters? Or are you just choosing to ignore me now that your better?

Ive tried being his friend and I cant do it. I see him sometimes, talking to other guys and being happy and it hurts. I put my heart on the line for the first time and this is how I get treated? Ive asked him if we can just hang out and take things easy but he wont give me a straight answer. He says that one day, we may be able to try again but why should I have to sit back and watch him be happy, if hes making me feel like this? Ive written letters to him, and I think they are ruining things. Ive told him exactly how I feel and I don’t think hes going to want to be my friend. Everythings shit Charlie. Just shit.

 This is going to be my last letter to you. I don’t see why I should pour my heart out for anyone else if they cant even take the time to help me.

P